With love, the other side of me

I’ve wanted to write something for a while now.

I suppose i just didn’t know what it was that i wanted to write, but today seemed to be the day, where i finally felt that i could let it all out.

You all know, i am not a stranger to mental health issues. I have struggled for, as long as i can remember actually, it’s just manifested itself in different ways. I think i became more aware of it when i had Delilah. Not because Delilah was the problem, just because the situation gave it a new identity, one of many, that came after she was born.

Whether it has been health anxiety, where i didn’t leave my home for years, or whether it was diagnosed as depression, PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder), or just generalised “tough times” having a child with additional needs. Then, starting the pathway to discovering if i too was neurodiverse. It has always had a different title/name/face.

I just never had a solid answer for why i struggle so much at life. I think i became more conscience of it because i knew that just like the other kids, i couldn’t let Delilah down. Actually, i especially couldn’t let Delilah down. She needed me more than anyone ever needed me. That meant, i had to look closer at myself, and so did everyone else.

And to be honest, i still don’t think i am coping, and i still think i am useless at life.

Now, if you are reading this and thinking “wow! What a pity party she’s having for herself!” or “she’s looking for sympathy!”  i implore you to stop reading now. Don’t read further, because quite frankly you probably won’t enjoy what you are about to read, but if you get it, read on…but i will warn you. It’s going to get dark.

Today’s date is the 5th September 2024. I have been in a mental health decline, if that’s what you want to call it, for at least three weeks now. I’ve not been motivated, no energy, and no want to do anything. Anything rational that is.

I’ve barely left the house for the whole of the holidays, and when i have i have forced myself to be more, try harder, to show up! For the sake of myself, and those around me. Believing that i really will just “feel better” at some point. I will shake myself out of this, won’t i?

I’ve wanted to shave my head because hair frustrated me, i have wanted to not be here, to give up everything i have, and to walk away from friends and family. All because my head tells me so.

It’s hard to not feel ‘normal’ to feel as though no one who knows you, really knows you because you have masked so long that the idea of taking the mask off becomes unbearable. So, you hide, and you hide, till hiding becomes home.

You want to reach out to people, to ask for help, but when you do, its presumed that of course you’re struggling it is the holidays! Everyone does in the holidays, never mind having a complex kid! I went to the Gps and well… yea. I want to have a new environment, or to shake off the feeling off being this. This vulnerable mess, that can’t seem to do right for doing wrong. I want to chuck the towel in and be free of my own head.

It is soo hard to speak about, although I do speak about it. Firstly, I am sick of talking about it to dan. I can’t imagine what he thinks and feels about it, after all we spend every day together. Secondly, most people look at your weirdly, “but you look so altogether”, “sure it’s not that bad” or “I’m sure it will get better” … and instantly I clam up. “You, ok?” …. how do you say no without them wondering what will happen next? So instead, I say, “yea, fine” the good old carers fine. A leg could be dropping off and we’d chuck it over our shoulder and crack on wouldn’t we?

I suppose the reason i am telling you all this is because although i am open about my mental health, i usually end it off with something positive, something uplifting that will make you feel that it will get better, that i have learnt so much, educating myself to a mental health practitioner, to be able to tell you i have the answer! But i don’t.

I don’t have the answer. I just know that i am not okay right now.

That even i, don’t know what to do in times of absolute desperation, and struggle.

I saw a post today that stated September was Suicide prevention month, I thought it was perfect timing to word vomit something out there to show, regardless of what it looks like on the outside, people really do struggle and struggle hard. Whether they are a counsellor, CEO, gobshite or other.  

But seeing that post led me to here. I know there is nothing anyone can do for me, bar me, and right now i don’t quite know what that is… but i am trying to keep going.

And if you too are struggling, keep going if you can. Reach out if you want, and know you are not alone.

If this blog has made you see me differently, if has made you think differently or if it has made you want to desperately reach out to someone who has been a little quieter recently, or trying too hard, then good, you are now aware of it. Suicide or suicidal thoughts isn’t a term that is thrown around for fun. It is not attention seeking, it’s not a cry for attention, it is debilitating. It makes the irrational seem so rational. Even if you know better… like me, a counsellor.  

With Love, the other side of me